NY Times Article: What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
We are often required to use our experience as a guide for how we must act in any given situation. Sometimes when we are not sure how to act, we interpret cues about what is acceptable or unacceptable based on the reactions we get from others.
- How do people telegraph the treatment they expect from others?
- Is there a difference between telling someone what you expect of their behavior and showing them by training them. Explain.
- Is training a spouse acceptable behavior in a relationship? Explain.
- The author makes a comparison of training husbands to the animal world. Does this implication reflect her feelings toward him in any way? Use parts of the text to support your rationale.
53 comments:
I always say that one should act according to how they want to be treated; therefore, if you act immature with me you should expect the same treatment back. Treating others with respect might give them a hint of how you want to be treated. Another way to show others how you want to be treated is by setting some rules between the two. If you talk to someone and tell them what you want out of a relationship/friendship that would let them know how they should treat you. Interupting people when they are speaking is rude unless you are trying to teach them something so if you feel that you are being treated rudely you should let that person know before it turns into something more tragic.
The way people let you know how they like to be treated all depends on the person. Diffrent people show facial expressions they give attitude some people would actually let you know. There are many ways to get your potin across on how you would like to be treated its just how effective it is. There are some people who wont say anything about how you treat them because thats just how some pepople are they keep to themselves. I would say treat people how you would like to be treated. It shouldnt take a sign or a speech to know how to treat someone.
I think that there is a difference between telling someone what you expect and showing them through training because sometimes telling someone how you feel can actually make curtain situations worse. People tend to take it as criticsm instead of trying to actually change, or like people say "it goes in one ear and comes out another" in other words people can listen to what you feel about something but wont make the effort to change. Or maybe since it has become such a habit they just can't break the ice on there own. Sometimes actually doing something yourself like a training can actually help a person without them even noticing It can work out better in some cases. Maybe if you do something that can actually help that person become better can also improving the situation as well.
"Treat others the way you wish to be treated." Is the way I try to communicate my treatment, I base it on my actions. It doesn't nessesarily have to be said but more importatly shown. Things are always easier said than done thats why its important to think of our actions thoroughly.
In my opinion it all depends on the person on how they want to express themselves to you. Some people may express themselves not so intellegent and stuck up. It all depends on how the person want to express themselves.
People telegraph the treatment they expect from others from verbal or non verbal actions. Verbally someone may express themselves in such a way that makes other believe they are ignorant, or in some way have no care for life or any person. For instance, in marriage the husband may shout or get ovr excited when in a rush and something was misplaced. Non verbal actions may be expressed with bad habits. For instance, in a marriage the husband may leave his belongings lying around expecting his wife to pick up after him. This non verbal action clearly shows that he doesn't care about what his wife may currently doing but, that eventually she will do it for him. Verbal or non verbal situations will clearly show how others will treat you.
There is a difference between telling someone what you expect of their behavior and showing them. The difference is that when you show them, it makes it clear for them to understand what you want from them. We were all raised differently so what might be ok for you might be rude to someone else. For example, not greeting people when you first walk in the door, for some that's not being rude but for others is a sign of respect to say Hello. Even if you don't like the person, it shows a lot about your personality and besides, a simple "Hi" wouldn't hurt you.
The best way to telegraph how you wish to be treated by others is to treat them in that way. Most people will reciprocate these mannerisms and treat you in a similar manner. For instance if your rude to someone, they most likely will be rude back. This doesn't always hold true because of all the variables in a persons mood and personality but it is a common curteosy that most people uphold.
I believe that people can send different kinds of message to someone regarding how they want to be treated. The first way to show is to treat a person the way you want to be treated. The type of behavior a person have can affect how a person will treated you if your loud and outrageous and blunt a person will have less respect for you because your showing that you are immature, if you want someone to respect you as a person then you have to give respect as well.
There is a big diffrence from telling someone what you expect instead of training them. If you tell someone what you expect of them you never know maybe they might take offense to something like that. If you train them into doing something that you would want,its like it gets molded into them. It would come natural once you train them into what it is you want.They probly wouldnt even notice it. Not saying its the right thing to do but if it comes down to it then why not.
I believe that there is a difference in telling someone what you want in their behavior than training them. When you tell someone what you want they can listen but not listn completely. There is no guarantee that their behavior is going to change when you tell them about it. Training them to act a certain way can actually allow a person to get use to the training. This way they don't notice that their being trained and they will become accustomed to a certain behavior. Example: If there was a football game and your husband favorite team lost he will go on and on about how they lost if you go on with him he will never stop. Now if you sit there and and say honey it was just one game and leave the situation alone afterwards he would be a lot calmer.
Letting people know how you want to be treated , may be as simple as treating people with the same respect you want to receive. Often people assume how they treat others is acceptable if they are corrected from the very beginning. Communication is very essential. To ensure you will be treated not less than you expect, put it on line from the very beginning.
There is definately a difference between telling someone what you expect of them and slowly easing them into it through "training". If you are very upftront about someones faults with them and tell them how you'd like them to change chances are they will find it extremely rude and become defensive. By training them and easing them into it they don't really have anything to get defensive about. At that point a person will most likely take a closer look at their own behavior.
Training a spouse in a relationship i would say its acceptable. If your with someone and they have minor flaws such as putting clothes away in the laundry then training them wouldnt be such a bad idea.Its not like your changing the person around completly just little things you would like to fix. If its taken over board and your abusing your power then that would be crossing the line, and considered unfair to your significant other. I would say this is acceptable and good to use if you would like to fix some of ur pet peeves.
A person's attitude towards you can say how they feel about you or how you have treated them. Some people can tell you directly how you've treated them, or they can show it through there body language such as the way they speak to you or the set of tone,or maybe they just give the impression that they dont want to be around you or that they want u to be around more often. Those are the types of actions that maybe can give a clue on how you've treated a person because sometimes a person may act the same way based on your attitude towards them. But also some people no matter how nice you are towards them, they can be mean or disrespectful. I think it all depends on the person.
I think that training a spouse is acceptable in a relationship because it shows that you really like them. If you don't let them know what you don't like about them they will continue with their behavior and force you to make a decision you do not want to make. If you are willing to help them change their behavior, that shows them that you care for them and want to be with them. It would also encourage them to change for you if they don't want to lose you. As long as you tell them that they have to change and help them change I don't think they would have a problem but if you do it behind their back, it might upset them because you weren't honest with them to begin with.
I think there's a difference between telling and traing. I think when you show a person how you want to be treated they can really rememeber how they treated you and continued to treat you as you wish because you constantly repeating your treatment on the other hand telling someone can go right behind there heads and totally forget or ignore your expectations.
There is a big difference in verbally telling someone what you expect of their behavior than by training them. We all can reflect with the author of the article because at some time we have hated actions our loved ones do. As her in the begining I would speak up, but nothing would change feeling more upset. Actions speak louder than words, so a person will change according to what they see makes their loved one happy.
I must say not many people will believe that you can actually train a human being. It's definently something you read in books; they rarely happen. When able to speak to someone about what your expectations are of them they do tend to take you more seriously. The reasons being because there is a lot of eye contact so your are able to get your point across. There will be facial expressions clearly showing how interested the person is while your speaking and they are able to captivate the tone of your voice. When "training" someone it will be difficult because it's not a common way of expressing yourself.
I dont say that these teachings effect how the author feels about her husband. I would say that she uses simple techniques about how to go about teaching him certain things. It just so happen to be that they are so simple you can train animals into dooing things as well.Like i said before it wouldnt effect her feelings as long as she isnt abusing her power and overdoing everything that she is teaching him. Like she seys she is trying to make a mate that is easier for her to love by teaching him she is fixing minor annoyences
The diffrence between telling someone how you to be treated aand showing them is perhaps when you're telling them how you want to be treated, they may not take you seriously. When showing someone how you may want to be treated, they can respect you more. Example: When telling you husband, honey don't leave your dirty laundry on the bedroom floor the room is clean and i would like it to stay that way. And honey continued to leave his dirty laundry on the bedroom floor even after you asked him not too. the next thing is to start throwing honey's dirty laundry in the trash, and his sock collection began to get smaller, he will realize, she is tossing my laundry in the trash. this will eventually change his rountine of throwing his dirty laundry on the bedroom floor.
I believe that training a spouse is acceptable behavior in a relationship. Sometimes when you feed into a persons constant nagging it can become uncomfortable. Sometimes it become a situation that one cannot handle. Like now I notice that when I go home at night I can become a pest to my spouse. I will catch a fit because I didn't have a good day and take my anger out on him. Before he use to feed into it. Now I notice that when I do, do that he do not respond to how I'm feeling until I calm myself down. Once I'm calm he will say so how was your day. By me being calmer than what I was when I first walked through the door I'm able to get things off my chest better.
Andres--Be sure your responses meet the length criteria for the assignment.
Training a spouse seems to be more then just acceeptable behavior to me. Its something that would definately have a better effect then arguing or talking over a possibly sensitive subject. It might seem like a sneaky way to go about things but its really much more sensible to find a way to mold yourself and your partners behaviors in a way that would bring less tension to the relationship. I think its an esspecially good idea now in a time period where alot of marriages end in divorce simply because they can't find a suitable way to work out minor differences.
Training a spouse is definently unacceptable behavior in a relationship. I believe that "training" is for animals. On television you see and learn about how animals learn to communicate to it's trainer. A relationship consists of two human beings who love eachother and both have the ability to speak and express themselves in a verbal manner. Therefore, "training" should not be a solution to whatever problem is taking place within the marriage.
I believe that training a spouse's behavior in a relationship has its pros and cons. Its pros are like the authors actions she trained her husband in a positive way making him more neat (he would put his clothes in the hamper) and respectable to her space (when she cooked he would pick into the pot). Yet the cons are that its kind of like having control. And a person may use this method in a negative way. I think it all depends on the situation, thats how I see it as acceptable.
I think traing a spouse is very acceptable in a relationship because in order for a relationship to work you have to train one another on whatever issues that occur. Having different lifestyles there can always be argument within the household, teaching your spouse what you expect of him is a way to keep your relationship on good terms.
Training a spouse is very acceptable, because as Brenda stated it shows the other person that you really care about them as well as the relationship. When in a realtionship,two people have to be on the same page or else the relationship is doomed before it even gets started. When there is no type of order things bean to get out of hand. One of you may like it this way, and the other may not. This often becomes a issue that may end a relationship.
It seems a lot of people are endorsing the cliche of "treating others the way you wish to be treated." Do people who act rudely or aggressively REALLY want that response back from others? What about bullies? What response are they hoping to elicite?
Let's put aside the cliches and really think about the question actually being asked, which is how people indicate the type of treatment they expect from others.
Yes, i think there is a diffrence between telling someone what you expect of their behaivor and showing them by training them. For example when we are younger we are trained to communicate threw talking and writing. Thats how people express how they feel. Thats how i feel about this topic.
The ideal way to telegram how you would like to be treated is simply how you treat others.Yes,it might sound old but usually,at least in my point of view the way you treat me shall be the way I treat you.Now with that said some shows jealously by giving a dirty look or perhaps talk negative about your looks.Those people I tend to called "Haters"and simply avoid them.
In my opinion, it is acceptable. I believe this because sometimes talking to your spouse about something that needs to be adjusted or changed just isn't enough. Sometimes it can create more of a conflict instead of resolving it. Some spouses in a relationship take it as a criticsm or they just can't change on their own no matter what you tell them. Thats why I think we should go an extra mile at times to improve a situation not by changing a person because no one can do anything to change who a person is, but by actually doing something different like a change of reaction towards what your spouse does that bothers you.Doing something different like a training can help your spouse and make the relationship better.
Some people are not able to tell the other person what they want from them. They just show it by their body language. It's hard sometime for people to express their feelings when you cannot talk to the other person. Some people feel why should they express themselves verbally if the person is not going to get it.
Actions always speak louder than words, so when you suggest to someone how you want to be treated may be taken lightly. When showing someone how you want to be treated, it will definitely be considered and even applied.
I don't believe that implication really reflects her feelings towards him at all. As she states in article "thinking of my husband as an exotic species gave me the distance I needed to consider our differences more objectively". The training just helped to give her another view point on their relationship. If she had continued to look at things the way she was it would have been much harder for her to resolve some of the tension.
In my opinion I think its wrong to train a spouse. It happens alot in relationships anyway. The guys mainly try to train their wife, but dont get me wrong you have those selected women who train their husbands the way they want them to be in the relationship. I dont think its healthy because alot of relationships get ruined when one spous tries and train the other.
There is a huge diference between showing them or training them.The word training is a bit to strong in my eyes sounds like if we are animals.However,sometimes during a relationship espcially a marriage you need to fix problems the couple come though.If this idea of training is the only way that you see both the male and female benefiting from this than it shouldn't be a problem due to the fact they trying to fix the marriage.It shouldn't be use to control your partner and have the upperhand in the relationship.
Andrea I like what you said about the dirty laundry. I believe that it's true that things do go through one ear and out the other with some people. Once you show them better than you can tell them this is when they will start to do what you have asked them to do. Not only this is when they will start to believe that your the one with the problem because you threw their socks in the trash.
The implication the author makes in the article does not affect her feelings towards her husband in anyway. Although, i personally do not agree with the comparison of training her husband to the animal word. The "training" technique works with their relationship. As the wife took notes on the animal and it's trainer and later went home to try on her husband she saw that it was begining to work. Scott began to help her in the kitchen, he began to control his temper. "At the sink, i hold steady. Then, sure enough, all goes quiet. A moment later, he walks into the kitchen,keys in his hand, and says calmly,"Found them."
The American wife simply found a way to make her marriage haappier and not just call it quits. Her feelings remained the same throughout the article.
In my opinion, yes it does reflect her feelings because just as the trainers are trying to help the animals improve themeselves by learning new tricks,she was using that to help her husband break his habits because she wanted him to stop doing the things that bothered her. She wanted to improve the relationship. Based on the article,she quoted "I was using what the trainers call"approximations", rewarding the small steps towards learning a whole new behavior". She also states that with her husband, she praised him for every small act everytime.Because she used that skill to train her husband, it has gave a positive result.
When the suthor compares training her husband to the animal term (L.R.S)I don't believe her feelings for him were negative. Although it does seem wrong because I wouldn't want that word to be used on me. She loved her husband and wanted the marriage to work. She explains throughout the how this method saved her relationship and thats whats important.
I would have to agree with Brenda's second post we are all raised diffrently and we all take things diffrent. So to some people issues being brought straight foward might be the best things for some people. And maybe if you decide to show them or "train" them they might just say you shouldve told me from the begining. Diffrent people take things in diffrent ways.
I agree , training your husband is like training an animal. I dont think its a bad thing in her part. It just makes her view the relationship in a diffrent way. Women can train a man the way they want the man to be. I seen it happen. But back to the topic, i still think she strongly loves her husband she just needed to prove a point.
Comparing a human being to an animal shows no signs of love but it also shows that you are concerned about their behavior and are willing to go through desperate meassures just to help them. Instead of adjusting to his behavior she chooses to change it little by little and that shows that she doesn't want to put too much pressure on him. Just stating what she wants him to change and letting him do it on his own would of probably take a life time because he has no motivation. The fact that she kept it to herself and slowly tried to change him was brilliant. Rewarding the smallest changes he made was a really smart thing to do because it showed him that he did something right and if he wants to be rewarded again he will continue doing that.
Andrea it's easy to say draw a line from the very beginning on how you would like to be treated. That's true! Who's to say things will not change because change do happens. Your man can be the nicest person and the world and respect your wishes at the beginning. When men get too comfortable, and they do get comfortable men start to slack. This is when you start to say in the back of your mind what happened to the person that I met in the beginning.
I agree with tania. She explained that using training in a relationship towards a spouse has its pros and cons.It depends on the person in the relationship. Using training sometimes might seem that you are trying to change the persons ways or just maybe being to much in control or trying to control the person. Using training has its pros because sometimes it helps when there is just no other motive. Sometimes communication between the spouse just isnt enough. That extra mile to help the relationship better can help.
There a little bit of a twist in this question.I defininity agree that it is unacceptable to train your spouse because they are suppose to be equal to you and you suppose to live though there mistake.But if the thing that bothers you and is a minor thing there no problem in fix the tweak.Of course your partner has to agree as well.
I agree with Claudio, its easier to say something yet many times it ends in an argueement because the person becomes diffensive not resolving nothing but causing more problems. As she said no one can be changed but one can change their reactions causing some postive behavior.
I think it reflects her feeling because she use the same method of training an animal to train her husband to the way she wanted him to be. She wanted their relationship to work it took that technique to get her huband where she wanted him the as the article stated "after two years of exoctic animal training her marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love.
Jazmine is right, no one can guarantee you that a person will change once you tell them what they are doing wrong. If anything, it would probably make them want to behave the way you don't want them to just to get on your nerves. Like Francis said, they might get offended that you are telling them how to act. But if you slowly show them, they probably wouldn't even notice.
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