The essay we read is one of the five essays selected from a contest run by the NY Times:
"Just before Valentine’s Day this year, Sunday Styles did something very unromantic: we asked college students nationwide to tell the plain truth about what love is like for them. We weren’t sure what to expect, but we thought we wouldn’t receive many essays about red roses and white tablecloths.
When the contest deadline passed seven weeks later, more than 1,200 essays had arrived, from 365 schools in 46 states and Puerto Rico. In perhaps typical collegiate fashion, nearly 700 poured in on the last day, 400 over the final hour. We counted only three red roses among them, and one was bestowed in a laundry room.
As for the more complicated stuff, and the uniquely 21st century struggles — those we got by the hundreds, covering everything from how students view communications technology (as a lifeline, a crutch or a scourge) to their ambivalence about the no-strings-attached sexual opportunism of the hookup culture."
In our class discussion of the essay and of love and relationships in modern times, we came to the conclusion that like the author, we all want a committed and loving relationship. And yet, all of us were very familiar with the type of relationships the author describes in the essay.
Assuming the article is true for many besides our class and we all being forthcoming about the desire for commitment and security in love...
- How do you account for the difference in how people act and what they want?
- How do people negotiate what they truly want (commitment) in finding love to get what they need.
- Is there any benefit to "no-strings" relationships-- do they empower or weaken us?
Please respond to the 3 questions posed above and to 2 of your peers' responses for a total of 5 separate postings. As always, keep your language and expression of ideas academic and respectful.
65 comments:
people mostly girls are looking for their prince charming, their knight in shining armor, yet no one ever truely finds that person on there first try.So they will involve themselves in an uncommited relationship, due to the fact where they may have got hurt in their past or they feel that relationships may take along time to establish so why not have an uncommited relationship where they can still meet other people rather than being tied down and they will have the oppertunity to hopefully meet that prince they are looking for in the end.
Well I guess some people just want to "kiss a lot of frogs" in order to find their prince/princess. By that I mean that they want to get involved with a lot of people before committing to them. In a way that is a good thing because eventually they will get tired of "having fun" with random people and settle down. When they do settle down, they will commit themselves to that person and they won't feel the need to be unfaithful.
Some people may act as if they want a committed relationship, but they may not show it to others. Sometimes they can't even show themselves. For instance a guy is in a relationship with a female, but he tells the female that their not in a committed relationship. You may ask what's the difference. The difference is that when their together it's all about them. At the same time he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Meaning he can still fool around with other females because he feels that he is not in a committed relationship.
in a world where everyone now a days is looking for that uncommited relationship, distiguishing what you want and need is ultimately impossible. most people now adays use there body language to tell what they want from flirting or the "truth game" helps people tell what they exactly want out of there uncommited relationship. with those small tactics it makes the relationship move smoothly, or it can help turn it into a real relationship.
Our actions may indicate we aren't looking for love yet deep inside thats what we all want. Many of us have had a bad experince in our past that has taken complete control of our life, we no longer trust or love. Therefore, we become cold hearted or promiscoius not letting no one hurt you again. I believe although people have built a wall to keep others out, we hope for someone to come along and prove us wrong.
People don't usually act how they're feeling simply because they feel vulnerable when they do so. Most people feel it easier to go about things in a more casual way, as opposed to being more upfront and awkward. Leaving yourself wide open is undesirable because then its alot easier to get upset or let down.
Many people want a relationship but not really a commited one. Since most people find it(not commited) a bit more beneficial to not actually commit to a relationship, they always just look for the intamacy of one being in a relationship. For a person to actually mess around with other people, can give you the experience but to what cost. You never know how a commited relationship can benefit you or destroy you.
People act in ways to please or entertain others rather then wahts makes them happy. Too often people settle for uncommitted relationships when they know what they really desire is love and affection that committed relationships hold.
yes there are alot of benifits from an uncommited relationship, as girl you have the oppertunity to learn a guys "game" and eventually play it better. you also can feel free to meet and talk to other people rather than having a boyfriend who may have you tied down.i feel these relationships both strengthen and weeken a person only because it helps you do become more awake to what the opposite person may do but it also weekens a person because you may be that type of person who looks for a true and meaningfull relationship but you left with those frogs till you kiss the right one who turns into your prince.
Well both parties need to be honest and straight up with each other when they first start talking. If you don't let the other know what you want and jump go straight to the relationship, that might lead to early break ups. If you want commitment and he/she doesn't and you still decide to go out with them, if anything goes wrong you would have no one to blame but yourself because you were aware of the situation and you still went along. Is just a matter of communication I think, as long as you let one another know how you feel and what you want from them the rest is history..
Usually many people set down the rules, but no relationship really knows how things are until there rolling along the tracks. You find something new in your significant other everyday, and from that knowledge, you would try to adjust to his/her lifestyle, or just go along with it. However in doing so, it might lead to a bad break up due to the circumstances that you really pushed their buttons.
The quote "actions speak louder than words" is completly true. People perfer to be shown love, and their commitment than sharing words and the words not meaning a thing. We show commitment through fidelity, through things such as intruducing to friends and family.
People negotiate this desire for commitment through casual meetings and hook-ups. This type of no strings dating makes it easier to act casually and see how people are really like. Another good thing these hook-ups is that if it happens to end your are left less hurt and more willing to go through the process all over again.
I would say that almost everyone is looking for that special person and will settle for nothing less. Everyone tries so much to try and make a perfect relationship that most times people end up hurt in it all. I would say thats why so many people go for uncommited relationships or keeping your options open. Thats how most people would end up hurt seeing as ones feeling are allways stronger than the other. To some people they look at this in a good way because there free to do whatever it is they want,and the other end up hurt.
To many people, being in a no-string attached relationship can be beneficial. In some cases, one or the other couple would eventually grow strong intamate feelings towards his/her significant one while the other person has no intamacy at all. I think noncommited relationship are a waste of time, and a way to get hurt.
If I was to negotiate a committed relationship with my partner the first thing I want is for the both of us to be on the same page. Before I get myself into a situation to where I know that it involves my feelings and his the both of us need to talk about what committment is if we're planning to commit to each other. Not only that I will show him that he's the one I want to be with, and there is noone else for him but me. Every man wants a superwoman and I have no problem with showing him my super powers. Once you show a person that you care and your willing to take the certain steps with them I believe they will eventually commit.
In my opinion, "no-strings" relationships weaken us because in the end one person always gets hurt. Like we discussed in class, for the most part the girl ends up getting hurt because most of the time guys just want sexual relations and we want something further. Some girls would even go along if the guy ask them to be friends with benefits because in their mind they think that eventually they guy would settle down. That is why you shouldn't give everything at once because you are going to run out of things to give and they'll get tired of the same thing every day.
It quite simply in my eyes people don't want to get hurt and that is the bottomline,male or female.With that said, I think the uncommited relationship is a good and bad one. Good for the fact that you have a wall that can protect you if some occurs like a big agruement,break up etc."Well we really wasn't going out so its ok I guess."Also, the chance of finding someone is also a fact,but there two sided to this.Yes,you can find someone else but what happen if you "partner" does the same?That why the wall is there.I just think this is a case that there's no right from wrong.
In a "no strings" attached relationship we feel empowered at first because "no ones feelings are at risk". Yet I believe that in the outcome we are only hurting ourselves, unabling us to find truelove and be happy. Eventually we all long for that feeling of being wanted and loved.
Often people negoitate,being committed using convenient, ways of being committed. Its not okay to be committed when the fellows are around, but behind the scenes we can hold hands and the complete package of being in a relationship. actually this is what everyone wants a one time or another. To have someone you can call yours, someone who claims you and someone you claim. Feelings are natural, so many people are afraid to let their guard down.
I agree with Tania. Due to bad relationship experiences people tend to keep their guard up because they don't want to get hurt. It is hard to trust someone after they betray you but in order to find true love, you must seek for it. If all the things in life were easy, think about how borring life would be. So we have to let our guard down a little to better ourselves.
I can talk for us guys and say we want the perfect girl. I think its worth seeking for that ONE person.
Alot of people are in a relationship and their not happy, that means you have to move on and keep looking no matter how long it may take. For some people it may take longer than others.
-Andres Mojica
I agree 100% with Joey that you simply dont want to get hurt or in many cases hurt again.But you have to take the chance with that special girl comes.I mean you can't go from girl to girl and yes,this is coming from a man(laughing)eventually you need to settle down.The question?When is the time to settle down and look for love.The problem?Love is unexpected and can occur whenever.The answer?Play you cards right examine the situation and determined if the female or male you talking to is as commmited as you are and see if the next step is a good one for both.
I personally think that many people prefer to have a committed relationship and just don't know how to actually go about handling a committment. I feel that depending on the age and how the relatioship starts off can determined what a person or a couple wants out of it.
I agree with francis, people try so hard in a relationship, when at the end everything gets destroyed. When you truly love someone you do everything in your power to make them happy, many times going out your way to see them smile. A relationship goes both ways, its a give and take but we find ourselves sometimes where we give, and give and the other person does nothing but takes. Thats where we decide "no relationships" regardless both get hurt, you because your not letting truelove in and maybe the other because they did fall inlove but unfortuntly you don't feel the same way.
People have uncommited relationships which most of hte time dont end very well. I would have to say that diffrent people are in them for diffrent needs. Maybe instead of all the using just letting someone know what you want would be enough.But now and days uncommited relationships have become like the new trend I think its just a way to find out what it is you really want.
In my opinion there is no such thing as a "no-string" attached relationship, to put it plain thats just about SEX. People who allow themselves to fooled into thinking they are in a "NO-STRINGS" releationship should re-evaluate the situation. For that reason these so-called releationships weaken us. When the time comes that we may want to become committed, we hold back. Maybe people settle for the no-string is because there maybe a WIFE or GIRLFRIEND someone at home. But because we have allowed ourselves to put in this situation maybe this is all we know?
so i agree with joey all the way, he is correct and uncommited relationship is benificial i mean as a girl we tend to hurt alot more than a guy does, so why not go out have fun and know that there are no strings attached to what you do with any guy or girl. maybe whille your out you may meet that special girl or guy but untill than have fun. you have one life to live so why not live it to the fullest.
I think that people negotiate basically but entertaining one another to see what that person is worthy of how they treat them and tells what they can bring to the relationship. In conversation they can express to one another what they expect out of each other how far they want the relationship to ge or if the bascially letting them know the expection of a committed relationship.
I aree with andres we want a perfect female aka wifey. you have to go and search for her. you might hit afew bumps in the road but in the end you will know that search was worth it as long as you fine that person you truly care about.
All very good insight into human nature. Your arguements are well presented.
One might reason that all realationships that end are failed ones, but as the author notes, that does not make them meaningless although we tend to dismiss them as such.
If these realtionships that failed are NOT TRIVIAL, and they are in fact meaningful experiences, do they help us to as Kristen and Brenda put it, decide who is a prince or princess in finding someone special next time around?
Or do they ultimately add to the hurt that we experience when taking emotional risks?
I agree with Jazmine. You have to set some rules before getting involve with a guy, just to be on the safe side. Nobody wants to get their feelings hurt so letting each other know what you want would keep the relationship smooth. Also, if you change your mind and decide that you don't want commitment anymore, you have to let your partner know instead of leading them on making them think that you want something when you really want something else.
I believe people negociate because deep inside they want what is best to them.Sounds selfish but thats real talk,thats life no need to beat around the bush.In the begining of a relationship you have to establish yourself,postion yourself where you are most comfortble and see if your partner is as well but only when you are.You dont have to enterain no one for them to love you.Once that is done work with your partner to get them as comfortble as you and see if you can co exist. I believe you alway got to be yourself first.
I agree with carlos for agreeing with Joey. It really isn't just going from one girl to the next. Actually, a lot more men have been falling for the sensitive side, because there looking for the perfect girl. Theres a higher percentage for men falling in love in the past two years from what I've seen. This can be false, but through my eyes, it hasn't shown me otherwise.
I agree with Kleber, noncomminted relationships are a waste of time. One person always gets hurt in the end. Our feelings always run at risk. Instead you should just be alone, its better than getting hurt or hurting others feelings.
Benfits in a no string attached relationship? to some people yes im sure they would love it but to others, they would be distgusted of the idea. I would say if both people understand why there is no relationship and they choose to be uncommited then there really shouldnt be a problem. it all depends on the people going through it. At the end of it all u just might make urself a bestfriend. There are pros and cons to both sides though like i said before someone might end up hurt.
I believe that no-strings relationships weaken us and sometimes it empowers us. When a relationship has no-strings some people get their feelings hurt, because later on down the line they be expecting more from the other person. They sometimes want to continue on with someone and be committed and the other person might not feel the same way. This will cause nothing but stress, confusion, and hurt feelings. When a relationship with no-strings empower a person this is what a person is use to dealing with. They put theirselves into situations to where they know how to cope with the other is doing. EX: I'm dealing with someone in a relationship with no-strings and on the side their dealing with two other females and I know about the other to women. I a cannot react because I knew this is how it was going to be if I dealt with him. Now the only thing I can do is sit back and let this person dog me because this is what I allowed him to do by being in a relationship with no-strings attached. The only thing it's doing is empowering him because this is what he loves to do and us females aloowed him to do it.
I can agree with Andrea. Its true alot of people act a certain way when their infront of people but behind closed doors your holding hands, saying i love you, and so on. In a "not commited relationship" the two people do not claim eachother and majority of the time there no feelings there yet so noone will get hurt. Thats the complete opposite of finding your "true love" in my opinion.
-Andres Mojica
Some people act that they do not believe in love, because there past experiences in relationships that went wrong, or because they simply heard that it hurts. So people try to get into these relationships that are based on sexual encounters and nothing more serious. But whether its a serious relationship or not, like the article expresses, that people deep down are looking for that "warm embrase", or love in other words. Its hard to tell what people want in this generation, because the mentallity that our society has, which is that one night stands is the best way to get to know someone instead of letting it happen naturally. We are so encourage through t.v commercials, computer technology, and even music that people have become accustomed.
in responce to andreas comment about no string attached, she is right. Many people just see as a non committed relationship as sex. There are a lot of people who just like for the intamacy from just that person. There might or might not be a person at home waiting, but in my opinion, there just afraid to actually be commited.
I feel that's something that only an individual can answer because everyone does not want the samething out of a relationship. But as a person who want's a committed relationship I believe it can weaken us because ultimately someone always getting hurt and it can become painful when you have one person believing that the relationship might be going somewhere and the other person just wants one thins.
I like what Brenda said. If you go out with someone and yall don't come to an agreement from the beginning the you have noone but to blame but yourself. How do you expect to be with someone and your both not on the same page.
Andrea makes an excellent point when discussing the term "no-strings attached."
By using this euphamism for sex, we may be making these types of relationships more socially aceptable than we may actually find them.
In addition, Andre says there are always strings involved, so to term them "no-strings" might be a way of denying the exsistence of feelings that many people surely have but may not want to admit.
Please feel free to comment on this...
I would have to agree with Joey on that first post. I think that people do hide what they think and how they feel for the simple fact of breaking that boundary,that shell. Everyone allways has at least one side of them that they dont let people know and maybe that feeling is something they dont want to be used agaisnt. Its true once your weakness is out there its allways in play to get hurt.
I agree with Claudio the society does play a big part in our lives sometimes a person don't know what they want but seeing other things influence a person to something that they don't want or puts an idea in one's mind. You have plenty of people in the world who cannot think for themselves and watching TV and surfing the net does play a big role.
I would say there are no benefits from "no string attach relationship" it just prolongs the enviatable result which is someone getting hurt.I been in both situations and I can first hand testify that eventually a decision has to be make.Either make it official or let it go.You could have a stronger feeling for the guy for example, but since your're not offical she wont say nothing and the guy she's in love with make see you as something different like a booty call.Or for example you in love with the girl and it turns out she was talked to another guy and are more serious than you and her.There are endless reasons why I think there are no benefits.I strongly believe that you are meant to get hurt in the game called love,but you have to try,risk,love until that person in my case a female walks though that door and change your life.
I think in a "no-string" relationship weakens us. We are supposed to be seeking for our true love and our one and only. There is no point of having a no-string relationship because its the complete opposite of finding that special someone. Some people may disagree with me because their into their single life and enjoy being in "no-string" relationships.
-Andres Mojica
So Joey, are you suggesting that this is a trial period for a relationship where both people see if they would like the commitment to go farther?
If so, how does this differ from just "dating?"
To answer Ms. Ferrante's question,
Yes, everything you go through involving relationships, whether good or bad, help you find your prince/princess because it opens your eyes to what you don't want in a relationship so it makes it easier for you to find "the right one." Bad experinces also add to the hurt that we experience when taking emotional risks but getting hurt is part of life, I mean we are who we are because of what we went through.
Carlos makes a good point. Can we recognize love if we try it on to fit and then skip to the next person if things aren't just so.
How much do we give of ourselves and our time before we know conclusively if we have found our "one?"
In response to Claudio20 you are right some people do act in relationships because what they have experienced in the past. Why have affairs if your hurting someone else's feelings the way yours has been hurt in the past?
Kleber, Is it possible that more men are falling in love, or is it possible that perhaps they are more open to admiting feelings of love?
I think that people basically start have a relationship with no strings attached. A relationship that is not an obligation. Everyone is looking for that "love" but because of the fear of getting hurt they dont express it. But thats why its good to know what you want so that way when you meet someone, you can get to know them before choose to have any intimate relations of any sort and just focus on growing that trust and getting to know the person for who they are. After that natural relationship that will grow among that, then they can feel secure about having a committed relationship. I think thats the best negotiation. Taking your time and getting to know one another before making any sort of decisions.
Ah, Jasmine makes a point similar to Andre: Is it REALLY "no-strings" or is that just a concept that allows people to have a "get out of jail free card" in their relationships since they can now act according to the terms of the casual relationship?
Ms. Ferrante, well in my opinion i think men are more open with there feelings towards letting a woman know how a man really feels. Many men that I've seen has been in love or falling in love with a person they think it's the right one for them.
A "no strings attached" relationship does bring its benefits. Their is no real commitment. A person can have a one night stand with one person, and not feel guilty of having a one night stand the next night with someone else. People that are involved in "one night stands" acts have in mind that that they are simply having sexual relations and is not based on holding hands and giving each other the right to call him a "boyfriend" or her a "girlfriend". Its just simply for the moment and at any time it can stop for any reason.
Exactly my point Ms.Ferrante i believe if there no string attact you are not giving your all.It not that serious for you to give your effort and dedication which is crucial in a relationship.I think and again with past experiences that I for the most part I didnt see the girl that I was talked to as nothing but a fling when some thought otherwise.However in a relationship I pay more attention and compromise with who I was with beacsuse it demanded more respect,it was something I was commmited to resulting in better comunication for the most part.
I think "no stings attached" relationships can weaken us because sometimes people confuse it for love. There are people that have not had good experience in their past relationships which can turn them rebellious against committed relationships. So instead of looking for love in a faithful relationship, they look for it in sexual encounters.Which is like the sayin, "looking for love in the wrong places". I think that can hurt sometimes someone more then a relationship that goes wrong because people still seem to attached themselves to strings in these relationships, in other words like the person to much and get hooked on them.
I agree with brenda c's comment about "kissing a lot of frogs" in order to find the right one. The only way someone can actually commit themselves to a relationship in this generation today is to first explore your options. Now who can offer what. And if you dont feel that they are delivering what you want, move on to the next person. Give yourself a chance to know what kind of people are out there. Hey, maybe at the end of all that you can actually find the right person and learn something new about yourself as well.
I agree with tania's comment. Now and days our bad experiences have completely blinded us. Just because one of our relationships in the past goes wrong, we think there is no point to having a committed relationship. We become closed-minded and we don't give ourselves the chance to love again. And i think thats a bad way of looking at it because we dont just live, we also learn. We learn from our mistakes and make it right the next time we get a chance at love. Life can give us a real opportunity next time around but if we are cold hearted like tania said, then we can miss that opportunity.
I agree with Carlos love a gamble you have to take your chance to see if it works for you. It takes time to know if a relatioship will work or not it's not a 1 to 3 month trail in error it all depends on how much a person is willing to put forth or accept. Many people can not tolerate someone cheating or not knowing what they want or whatever the case maybe, but know that at some point in your life you will get hurt and running for person to person reflects your reputation.
People tend to have an akward behavior when attracted to the opposite sex. Instead of demonstrating an act of love; or expressing an emotion we withdrawl ourselves and bottle feelings within afraid of commitment.
Relationships are give and take amd you don't always find the trait you want in a person. As time goes along you begin to know the person better and you begin to accept the person for who they are and what they bring to the relationship.
There are absoultly no benefits to a "no strings" relationship. Females usually want the (commitment). I believe its every girl dream to have someone who loves them back. A relationship with no commitment will easily result in a great amount of "mixed signals" and conflict. With this type of relationship there is a great risk of someone ending up hurt. Jealously may also occur if other females become involved and the attention spand is no longer there.
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